As my uterus began to grow, so did my self-awareness of where I find my worth. Where does my head tell me I should find my worth? In what Jesus has done for me. All that I desire to be defined by is that I am a saved sinner, daughter of God, through the blood of Jesus Christ. Psalm 62:7 "My Salavation and my honor depend on God". My head has the right idea of where I should find my worth, but my heart tends to pull me another way...
I know God knows my heart and through my 2nd trimester he needed to show me where I truly find worth and not just where I idealistically want to. So, like I said, as my body began to change (because of a GREAT blessing, I might add), I started to feel a little insecure about what people thought of me. Inevitably people make comments about your body changing and frankly some of those people have no idea what should and shouldn't be said to a pregnant lady, but it was my opinion of myself that mostly concerned me. When I became pregnant, I was not oblivious to the fact that my body would grow and change but my self-loathing thoughts would suggest otherwise. If you've ever been pregnant, you get to this "medium-stage" where people are wondering: "Is that a pregnant belly or just a donut belly?" In the world's eyes your belly doesn't look quite big enough to hold a human being quite yet. The thought of people wondering if I was fat or pregnant bothered me WAY too much.
I could go multiple directions with this. Not only was my worth being defined by what others thought of me, but I also found that my worth was being defined by the way my body looked. God knows my heart so well. Before pregnancy, I would have played it off like image isn't that important to me... I think God is laughing as I typed that last statement, because He knew way better than me. Each time I walked out of our apartment, I found myself worried about what people were thinking about my appearance. I asked God, "Why am I so worried?" He seemed to answer: Because part of your heart worships people and part of it worships appearance. Let me leave it at this: Time and time and time again, God has shown me where my heart is unfaithful to him. And where my heart is unfaithful to him, I find myself emotionally unstable because "all other ground" besides the Lord is "sinking sand". I am grateful that He keeps reminding my forgetful self that He is the only one who will give my soul (and emotions) rest.
"Come to me all who labor and are heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and I will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
My hope comes from Him.
Truly He is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge. " Psalm 62:5-7
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