first trimester trial

I know you all are thinking: "she is only in her first trimester and is already complaining?? This lady doesn't know what is coming for her."

I feel the same way you do, so I'm glad we are on the same page.

First trimester has been a season for me. Oh yeah, by the way I'm pregnant! Which Brandon and I could not be more thrilled about and YES, WE WERE TRYING to have a baby. More brave people ask us if we were trying and less brave people are all thinking it, right? Anyways, my first trimester came along with an increase in laziness and a decrease in discipline. Going to work was, and still is at times, extremely difficult because I cannot wake myself up throughout most of the day. And when I got home from work I would feel even more tired and had no energy to cook or clean our little one bedroom apartment. Yes, I did find myself asking, "How in the world am I going to have energy for a baby?"

Giving grace to myself is not easy for me. I hate lying around but that's all I seemed to want to do these past couple months. I don't like to make excuses and symptoms of pregnancy seemed to be just that...excuses. Despite the food I ate or the rest I got, I had no control over how much energy I had. There never became a secret remedy to my tiredness, rather I simply have transitioned to second trimester. Throughout this time I see how God was pruning the "control roots" in my heart. Pregnancy was affecting my everyday demeanor and I couldn't control it.

I was and have been reminded over these past months that what I do does not earn my salvation. As much as I hated being lazy, it did not effect Jesus' blood that has covered my sins because God is faithful when I am not. Resting in His grace and faithfulness can be hard to accept in a world that says you must give to receive. It is hard-wired in me that I must "do something" in order to be worthy! But God's word clearly says that He has done everything and by God's grace he has allowed me to believe that he truly has done everything through Jesus Christ. Now let me live in a way that is at rest even when I have no control over how my body feels, so that I may show the freedom and peace God gives us when we accept the gift of His everlasting, unconditional salvation.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.This was to show God's righteousness, because in His divine forbearance he had passed over former sins." Romans 3:23-25

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no ones may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

because He is good.

How sweet is the Word of God. If we were to treat the Word of God with the reverence that it is due, so much more of life would make sense because of the Truth that He has freely given to us. I begin this post with praising the Bible because I was moved by scripture today.

I came to Titus this morning and found that it is a letter from Paul instructing people within the church what it looks like to be a godly leader, man, woman, or worker of Christ. It teaches characteristics that stress the importance of sound doctrine as well as "good" characteristics that will let "no one say anything bad about you" even if they are hardened towards your teaching of Christ. I like Titus not only because it directly informs you how to be good according to Christ in this world but more importantly it tells you why you should be good in this world.

There is a tempting thought in all of us that sees the grace and mercy of God as an excuse to act however we want. There is also a temptation to think that we will never attain sinlessness, so why should we even try? I wrestle with the truths in the Bible that say I am saved by Jesus' work alone (not by anything I've done; Titus 3:4-5), but yet also say that I should still do good works (Titus 3:8). Can we as mere humans possibly do anything that would save us? no. Can we as mere saved humans possibly do anything to bring Glory to God? yes. When we believed that Christ died for our sins to reconcile us back to God, we also believed that we are restored images of God whose purpose is now to be a glimpse of who God is and what He is like to the world around us. And we know that because of what God did for us, He is a good God! Therefore if we are to reflect Him on this earth, we too should be good so that through us, the world can at least see a trace of the GOOD and GREAT God we serve.

"Be when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we have done but because of his mercy. He saved us though the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good."
Titus 3:4-8

the vows I never read

I was looking through my wedding journal and I found the vows I never read, but that were certainly in my heart on August 9, 2013. My husband left for a weekend trip this morning and his absence only reminds me of all the love I have for him. Hope these vows encourage you and your marriage!

"As I put on this dress today. I was in awe. Not because I thought I looked so beautiful, but because I got to see a little bit of how God sees me. Pure white, clean as snow, without blemish, or wrinkle: Free from Sin because of Jesus' sacrifice. God sees me this way despite my many faults and failures. He has given me the perfect example of what love is by seeing me this way.  His love is an undeserved, grace-filled, everlasting love. God's model of love is how I want to love you, Brandon, for the rest of my life. Because I am sinful, I know that I won't do it perfectly, but I promise that this will be the type of love that I will seek and try to emulate forever. I promise that my commitment to you and God, today, will never be broken in hard or easy times. Brandon, I promise to first and foremost be faithful to God and His Will for my life and therefore be by your side for the rest of my life. 

I do believe that God has brought us together because we are better that way and I am honored to stand by your side as you pursue God's will for your life. Because I want to fervently love you for my whole life, I ask God today to help me sustain a Christ-like love for you everyday-- being patient, kind, merciful, not keeping record of wrongs, speaking truth to you, being humble, compassionate, and not easily angered. Promising these things is intimidating, but I do not have fear. I do not fear because I know the Lord is with us and therefore who could possibly be against us. Brandon, I promise to be fulfilled by the Lord and not by you. I promise to love you as the church is to love Christ for all the days of my life in a covenant with the Jesus, Our Lord and Savior. "

the humble will be exalted.

As a christian, there are some great advantages to being "unsuccessful", as the world defines it. You may have searched and searched for that job that you will succeed in or that talent you could excel in  and have never found it... This may be a sore subject for some if they have tried to find their worth in being respected for their special abilities. I say it may be a sore subject because more often than not, we find that someone is always more talented or more successful in our talents than we are. This brings me back to my first sentence: that there are great advantages to being unsuccessful in this world. If you cannot find your niche in this world, then you are forced to look elsewhere for your worth. This is why I believe God uses the least expected humans to do his mighty work. For the unsuccessful in this world lean not on their own abilities but on God's work alone in their lives. For they know that through their own effort, they have failed time and time again to be "great" in the world's eyes, but they find that they are only great when they are found righteous in the eyes of the Lord through Jesus Christ's sacrifice.

 As much as my fleshly heart desires to be "great" (successful, smart, wealthy, respected) in the eyes of the world, I have found that through my  unremarkable abilities that God has drawn me to be more dependent on His power and not on my own. For if I was successful in the eyes of the world, I know that I would become prideful and dependent on my own abilities rather than my creator who gave me all my abilities. For even now I see myself becoming slightly proud when I succeed in something minor! I pray that God reminds me each day that He is the one who has given me any kind of talent and that all praise goes back to Him. Keep me humble, Lord, that I may remember who has made me and who sustains me. Thank you for my inadequacies that draw me closer to you.

"For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
Matthew 23: 12

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3

Living as a saved sinner.

Living as a "saved sinner" is a life of friction. For even though I am saved, I am still a sinner. And even though I still sin, God has saved me. It gets confusing, right? Paul sums up the life of a "saved sinner" well in Romans 7:15 , " I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I become frustrated with myself when I see so much sin in my life. My desire is to know more about God and love Him more (by obeying Him and conforming to the likeness of His Son), but yet I keep on SINNING! It is disheartening to want something for your life, but see yourself acting in a completely different way. I am not trying to attain salvation/ right-standing with My Father through my works, I am trying to glorify Him in this world through my works, and yet I fail time and time again.

This is simply reality-- Even though I am saved and God sees me as pure and righteous because of Jesus' sacrifice for the world, I continue to sin. In my eyes, I am remarkably sinful, but in God's eyes I am remarkably pure and holy. So as I continue to sin for the rest of my life (and I most definitely will), I will not become insensitive towards it, because God still hates sin. Rather, my sin will remind me that  I have done nothing to deserve my salvation and I will praise God all the more for saving someone like me. My sin will no longer dishearten me, it will remind me of my God's goodness! For if I were the judge of my life, I would be deemed worthy of hell. But with God as the judge of my life, I am deemed worthy of the heavenly realms because of Jesus' perfect blood that has washed over me. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...."

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 " I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me." 

Unknowingly Dependent

Imagine being in charge of 35 patients who do not even know how much they need your help. They have lost their cognitive processing and have physical ailments beyond repair. If it weren't for you, they would sit in their urine or feces all day. If it weren't for you, they would lie in bed all day. If it weren't for you they wouldn't receive their daily medications and nutrition. If it weren't for you, they would be lost. They are totally and completely, unknowingly...dependent.

As a nurse in a nursing home I often feel inadequate to meet all the needs of my dementia/alzheimer's patients. These patients don't know what they need, so I have to think for them.  They unknowingly trust me to provide for their needs. The weight of providing for 35 patients falls heavy on me. I am not able to think of everything they need and want, and even if I could think of it all, it would be impossible to accomplish in my 12 hour shift.

In God's eyes, I believe we are all like dementia patients. We are unknowingly dependent on Him for everything. We don't acknowledge that we are being taken care of and we take all the essentials we need in life (health, shelter, food, water, etc.) for granted, expecting them to appear each and everyday. I am humbled as I realize I cannot take care of these 35 patients adequately, yet God takes care of the whole Universe day by day. I am so glad that I am not in charge! I pray that I come to Him each day, thanking Him for every good gift (James 1:17) and trusting that He is taking care of me through each and every situation.

Colossians 1:16-17
"For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."


Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."- Jesus

But, Why?

As of late--- I have been asking many "why questions" to the one who knows all the answers.  I find myself questioning the situations He has put in my life, the ways He works things out, or why this world seems to be out of His control at times. I pray and pray and pray looking for answers but my instant gratification is not satisfied. Why aren't you doing this, Lord? Or why are you doing that? If you are so powerful than why aren't you fixing things? These are the kind of questions that tend to leave me in tears...unsure of what to do.

You see, I am always viewing my life through my eyes and although I have 20/20 vision, I still seem to have a short term perspective. The short term perspective that I see has hurting people, mislead minds, and broken hearts.  It is at these times when God has reminded me through scripture and friends that God's eyes and ways are different from our own. Even through trial and pain he is working for the good of his sons and daughters. Romans 8:28-29 tells us that God is working for our good and goes on to define "good" in vs. 29 by "being conformed to the likeness of His Son". If God's goal is for us to become more like Jesus, than suffering is a sign that God is working for our good. Jesus Christ, though perfect and holy, suffered more than any human being. God does not promise a trial-free life, in fact he guarantees trials if we are to be conformed to the likeness of His Son. Not only does my perspective change as I learn God's definition of "good", but I am also reminded that God is omniscient (all-knowing) and omnipotent (all-powerful). Who am I to question His Ways? This is God's reaction to Job, when he questions God:

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" Job 38:2-7

Our God is the creator of this universe, he keeps me breathing, allows me to think, move, eat, and he keeps this whole world in motion! He will take care of me through all situations in life and it is my joy to trust Him. Let His will be done in my life through trial or pain, and let me become more holy through it!